Moving Beyond the Darkness — Lyme, Chronic Illness and Life
To know yourself as the Being underneath the thinker, the stillness underneath the mental noise, the love and joy underneath the pain, is freedom, salvation, enlightenment.
—Eckhart Tolle
Unexpected struggles and challenges throughout our lifetime (the bumpy pieces-parts) can affect us in ways we may never fully understand. Such experiences (we hope) bear growth, strength, wisdom; lessons to be learned may be well hidden, develop slowly over time and reveal their importance in subtle ways.
Throughout this lengthy and complicated illness + healing journey, the “lessons” have been a-plenty. If only one could fast forward through the “this is really hard” pieces-parts and get straight to the message. Right?!
Several months ago, I introduced a new ‘Poetry’ category to my blog. A bit of a detour from my usual posts. The first poem shared, My Soul Speaks, came from deep within — a reflection of my then darkened spirit; a season when the (seemingly) never-ending challenges of Lyme, chronic illness and life were (once more) mounting high.
Months multiplied with little-to-no-break in relentless symptoms, and disappointment in my healing setback seemed to increase with each new day.
Housebound. Miserable. Rarely far from my bed. Overwhelmed with thoughts of uncertainty, staring into an abyss of possible specialists and future treatments. Flailing with no firm sense of direction. Tired of feeling like a money-pit (of medical expenses) and burden to my husband and family. Desperately wanting the tears to stop flowing, to be happy, to be grateful, to revel in my daily blessings, to live life fully (outside these adobe walls). Simply exhausted. Beyond sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Definitely a challenging season. Involuntarily cycling through the stages of grief — mainly rotating between depression and anger. A river of tears might or might not have been shed. Often.
Navigating through darkened thoughts and emotions prompted the motivation to write My Soul Speaks. For several months, a hazy, numb aura hovered over me. Sharing “I’ve got this” type of affirmations would have been forced. And, quite honestly, there were days I barely held it together. So, no, I didn’t “have this”!
Those darkened hues, deep in my soul — all the feelings + emotions that were present — needed to be felt. I allowed myself space… and time… and grace… to simply feel. Whatever I needed to feel, for however long I needed to feel it.
Even though at times, waves of emotions may seem to hit unexpectedly, life is one big cause and effect. Take-aways from simple conversations, unanticipated occurrences (good or bad), even a song on the radio — individually or accumulative over time — effect us, our state of mind. Often we’re completely oblivious to stressors joining our brain-space. Then bam! Coping capabilities reach maximum levels.
We all have our limits!
Living with a chronic illness, one’s max-threshold for stress varies. There are sooo many moving parts involved with trying to keep sickly-peeps afloat. For the sickly and their caregivers. (I hope to touch on this in a future post. God Bless the caregivers of this world, most assuredly mine!)
My coping limitation reached an off-the-charts high during this not-so-colorful season. Not a first for me, but such a weakened state allowed darkness to flood. And, in case you may not be aware, feeling broken beyond repair has a way of bringing one’s mood down. Like, really down!
Wishing these experiences of brokenness and darkness were unique only to me, but sadly, too many lovely souls know and understand such sorrow and pain. All too well. My heart aches for each and every beautiful being coping with illness, numbness… a darkened spirit.
[bctt tweet=”Grief has no time table. May we allow ourselves the space + grace to feel what we need to feel, however long we need to feel it. —tmm”]
There is no easy path to healing. Period. And like so many struggling with illness, loss, stress of daily life, I find myself floating about, wading through the unknowns, trying my best to keep darkness at bay.
Although my faith never falters, when weak and miserable and feeling so broken, I often fail to see beyond my struggles. Most assuredly, I am an imperfect being, stumbling my way through this complicated and glorious life. Reflecting upon and sharing the real… the raw… the vulnerable moments helps me grow. Perhaps offering a glimpse into my tiny space within our complex world will offer help to someone else, as well. This, I sincerely hope.
Through clouds of dismay and filters of gray, may faith, hope and love help light the way.
—tmm
Until my next Reflection…
Here’s to allowing ourselves to feel whatever we need to feel — however long we need to feel it — while moving beyond the darkness.
Blessings to you, lovelies — always.
Special prayers and love are with all who may be grieving unimaginable loss or fighting battles only they, themselves, truly understand. May God’s blessings and healing strength be with you. Always.
Should you ever find yourself overwhelmed by sadness, or experience suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
1-800-273-8255
Terry Mayfield
Over here reflecting about life, illness + healing. Offering encouragement + empathy + support. Sharing smatterings of sarcasm + sass. Oozing with opinion. Speaking my truth. —tmm
15 Comments
Valerie
Sending healing hugs across the miles. I can enter into each and every word of this. Hang in there!
Terry Mayfield
Healing hugs are with you as well, sweet friend! Healthier + stronger days are coming.🙏🏼💚💞
Ann Firkins
I cannot even imagine the struggles you’ve endured and you are so strong and brave to get through another season of them. Praying for your health and peace of mind and strength as you continue to battle. We’re standing with you! You are not forgotten. You are valued. You are important. You are loved.
Terry Mayfield
Thank you, Ann, for being there. Always. No matter where “there” may be! Love you, my beautiful sister. (Shared similar words with others today in a meme! You must have helped plant the seed.😌)💞
Sid Simpson
You are always in our thoughts and prayers, Terry. May the Lord’s blessings shine down on you and give you the strength and comfort to get you through each and every day. We Luv ya Babe!
Terry Mayfield
Thank you, Scuba Sam, for your beautiful words and prayers. Mark and I are truly blessed to have you and Glenda in our lives. Luv ya babes!💞
Julie
Perfectly written Terry. This piece will resonate with anyone on a journey to heal. And now I must go wipe tears.
Terry Mayfield
Thank you, beautiful sister. Sending healing hugs and love from the desert. Each and every day!☺️💞
Kris
I desperately wish I could find words that would comfort. My heart and soul ache for you and the suffering you have had to endure. I do the only thing I know will help, and that is to pray. I hold you up, dear friend, and pray that God will wrap you up in his peace. I also pray that he will heal your body and chase out that horrible disease that has wreaked havoc in you. You are a light to those who are been blessed to know you. I have faith that you will soon walk out of your bedroom, out of your house and into all that life has for you. Love you, girl! I hope to see you soon (March). xoxoxo
Terry Mayfield
Love you back, ms krissss! Love your kind and thoughtful heart. Thank you for sharing your loveliness. I feel your prayers!☺️💖💞
B Carol Cole
Terry, you are an inspiration to not only me but so many more. I pray the Lord will take away the pain, sadness and loneliness that you feel and bless you with happy times. There is a purpose for all this and only the Lords knows the reason. You are not only in my thoughts and prayers each day but so many more. You are a beautiful and caring lady who I love and wish I could take away your pain and depression but all I can do is continue to ask the one above to be with you and help you fight this awful disease. Sending tons of hugs, love and prayers.
Terry Mayfield
Thank you, Carol, for your lovely words and comforting prayers. I feel your love with me always. Blessings and love, sweet friend.☺️💖💞
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