Another Trip Around The Sun!

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You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt, as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your despair.

— Douglas MacArthur

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Another Trip Around the Sun… Yay?!!!

Birthdays can be a fickle beast. Love ‘em or hate ‘em, there’s no avoiding reality — they are gonna happen!

Shouldn’t we mortals always want to celebrate when our birthday comes around? It means we are still here on earth, breathing air… alive and kickin’!

Shouldn’t we humans wear our age as a badge of honor — along with the wrinkles, gray hair, and additional aches and pains that join the party? Seems like the humble and wise perspective to embrace, yes?

Quite certain I am not alone here, but I could definitely do without most of my accumulating “badges.” Trying to remind myself (daily) that I am blessed to have such a growing collection of wrinkles, gray hair, unattractive scars, wonky hips, knees, back, et al. (Too young for this shtuff! lol!)

Being wise is hard. Growing older — gracefully — even harder!

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Emotions

Not too long ago, a wave of emotions decided to come for a visit. As if I wasn’t already neck high, co-existing with a plethora of symptoms — Lyme + CIRS: fevers, sweats, nausea, bone + nerve pain, brain fog, internal tremors; mast cells disorder: itchiness, rashes, sensitivity to… air?!

Seriously! No additional emotional + coping space available. NO VACANCY! (Yes. I. Am. Yelling!)

Emotions, doing what they do — run amuck (and clearly lacking the ability to read metaphorical neon signs), rudely invaded. Over-crowding. Over-whelming. Raining on my trying-to-be-happy parade.

Sure. Why not! Come on in. (Eye roll + deep sigh.)

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I often find myself experiencing extended periods of time thinking about my mom. Little things remind me of her throughout any given day, but sometimes these moments are more prolonged. Not obsessive, nor morbid. Simply replaying my fondest memories of her, on repeat.

Been in one of these flashback periods for a while, lately — missing everything about my beautiful mother… especially her captivating smile. Just her presence would light up a room. Miss her every day. I could write about my wonderful momma for days. I hope one day I will. (Tears flowing freely.)

Adding to this weepy-eyes-memory-lane-mood, the anniversary of my brother’s passing (April 22, 1984) arrived on the calendar, followed by what would have been his 66th birthday (three days later). Emotional invasion, pumped up on steroids!

Not feeling well, combined with bouts of sadness + grief, makes me really grateful I order Kleenex with aloe + lotion. In bulk!

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Birthdays. Happy. Not-so-Happy. We Get to Choose.

Do we, though? Do we always get to choose to celebrate gleefully on our birthday?

As unique as we are — individual, living beings — birthdays affect us differently. Some people may not even care nor acknowledge the day, and go on about their daily life just like any other day. There are the extroverts who might prefer to have a special lunch/dinner with family, friends or their special someone, and be lavished with attention and/or gifts. (Yeah. What’s wrong with that? lol!) Guessing there are some who might prefer to be quiet or alone on their birthday. Whatever one’s personality or birthday acceptance + preference, in all likelihood, a large population of the human race has been affected emotionally by one or more birthdays (or will be one day). Could be due to a mid-ish life crisis that hits unexpectedly, a landmark birthday, unpleasant memories, or possibly for no coherent reason whatsoever… simply because, life!

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Like a lot of peeps, I’ve had a few less-than-fun birthdays. Sharing a couple of years that made the highlight reel:

27 — had major surgery a few weeks before my bday (hysterectomy—resulting from years of coping with endometriosis. no bueno!). Some other bumpy shtuff sprinkled in around the same time — career-wise + personal life; pre-mid-life crisis. An emotional year. 28 couldn’t come fast enough, lol!

40 — was kind of a bummer birthday. Not necessarily because it was the big 4-0. A month before, I had major neck surgery (sensing a pattern!). Was a funky let-down, mainly because surgery + convalescence occurred across the country from where hubby and I were then living — 1,100 miles away from family + friends, stuck in a neck brace, and solo (hubby was traveling for work). No celebration. Just another day like every other day (‘cause, hint: that’s actually what birthday’s are, just another day!). Was incredibly grateful for care packages/flowers… and somehow… I survived (lol!). But I was still bummed (clearly!).

50 — landmark birthday. Miserably ill. Might have been solo, can’t remember — irrelevant. Was an emotional bust of a day. Nuff said.

54 — approaching. Pre-birthday feels have not been the most favorable. Will this be one of those birthdays — an emotional cluster of poo? Hope not. My preference is always to be ‘happy’ on my birthday (obviously!). I am beyond thankful to soon be blessed with another anniversary of my born-day, and all the joys, blah, blah, blah. However… not the slightest bit thrilled with this reality: another anniversary marking minimal progress gained/sustained along this lengthy illness + healing journey. And not for lack of painstaking effort!

This realization (that my body is taking it’s sweet time with this healing process, especially the past several years) has abruptly smacked me — face first. Again. 365 days after the previous hard-hitting realization. And all the annual smack-down realizations before that. Tough pills to swallow. (Only metaphorical ‘smacking’ and ‘hitting’ were involved in the making of this paragraph.)

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Birthday or no birthday, sometimes, one just needs to cry. And scream. And cry-scream!

Been allowing myself to feel whatever I’ve needed to feel: sadness over missing my mom and brother; disappointed and pissed-off by this healing plateau; grieving for a life I wish I could be living; a few other feelings, as well — for another time, perhaps.

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Appreciating Where I Am

Really trying not to dwell on where I wish I was in this journey, and appreciate where I am — the here and now, and all of my blessings. Easy (relatively) to write about (as I have recently: Enjoying Life’s Simple Pleasures… and Time Passes. Period.). Not always easy to practice.

Flawed indeed, I am! Constantly working on redirecting focus — away from my struggles. Striving to practice what I firmly believe: ‘Our only real given in this life? Today. Right now. This. Very. Moment.’ Trying—really, really hard—to live each day joyfully and to the fullest, in whatever form and capacity that may present.

With all of the emotional + physical challenges, and the bumpy pieces-parts along this path, several aspects never falter: faith, hope and love—and the greatest of these is love (1 Corinthians 13:13); my loving, caring, supportive husband, beside me every step of the way — here and now… and for eternity; family and friends, firmly along for this rollercoaster ride, as well.

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So, lovelies, 53 is making its final approach. Current mindset: whether or not I am upright or feeling like poo on my birthday, by myself or in the company of loved ones, the day is sunny or cloudy… it’s all good! It will be a great day to celebrate… being on the right side of the sod!

Here’s to Another Trip Around the Sun! (Weeee!)

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Until my next Reflection,

Sending blessings, positive vibes, and hugs from my corner of the globe — always!

—Terry xx

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Attention all peeps with birthdays: How do you like to celebrate the anniversary of your born day? Share in the comments below.

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