Blog post,  Life,  Lyme Disease

Moving Beyond the Darkness — Lyme, Chronic Illness and Life

February 10, 2020

To know yourself as the Being underneath the thinker, the stillness underneath the mental noise, the love and joy underneath the pain, is freedom, salvation, enlightenment.

—Eckhart Tolle

Unexpected struggles and challenges throughout our lifetime (the bumpy pieces-parts) can affect us in ways we may never fully understand. Such experiences (we hope) bear growth, strength, wisdom; lessons to be learned may be well hidden, develop slowly over time and reveal their importance in subtle ways.

Throughout this lengthy and complicated illness + healing journey, the “lessons” have been a-plenty. If only one could fast forward through the “this is really hard” pieces-parts and get straight to the message. Right?!

Several months ago, I introduced a new ‘Poetry’ category to my blog. A bit of a detour from my usual posts. The first poem shared, My Soul Speaks, came from deep within — a reflection of my then darkened spirit; a season when the (seemingly) never-ending challenges of Lyme, chronic illness and life were (once more) mounting high.

Months multiplied with little-to-no-break in relentless symptoms, and disappointment in my healing setback seemed to increase with each new day.

Housebound. Miserable. Rarely far from my bed. Overwhelmed with thoughts of uncertainty, staring into an abyss of possible specialists and future treatments. Flailing with no firm sense of direction. Tired of feeling like a money-pit (of medical expenses) and burden to my husband and family. Desperately wanting the tears to stop flowing, to be happy, to be grateful, to revel in my daily blessings, to live life fully (outside these adobe walls). Simply exhausted. Beyond sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Definitely a challenging season. Involuntarily cycling through the stages of grief — mainly rotating between depression and anger. A river of tears might or might not have been shed. Often.

Navigating through darkened thoughts and emotions prompted the motivation to write My Soul Speaks. For several months, a hazy, numb aura hovered over me. Sharing “I’ve got this” type of affirmations would have been forced. And, quite honestly, there were days I barely held it together. So, no, I didn’t “have this”!

Those darkened hues, deep in my soul — all the feelings + emotions that were present — needed to be felt. I allowed myself space… and time… and grace… to simply feel. Whatever I needed to feel, for however long I needed to feel it.

Even though at times, waves of emotions may seem to hit unexpectedly, life is one big cause and effect. Take-aways from simple conversations, unanticipated occurrences (good or bad), even a song on the radio — individually or accumulative over time — effect us, our state of mind. Often we’re completely oblivious to stressors joining our brain-space. Then bam! Coping capabilities reach maximum levels.

We all have our limits!

Living with a chronic illness, one’s max-threshold for stress varies. There are sooo many moving parts involved with trying to keep sickly-peeps afloat. For the sickly and their caregivers. (I hope to touch on this in a future post. God Bless the caregivers of this world, most assuredly mine!)

My coping limitation reached an off-the-charts high during this not-so-colorful season. Not a first for me, but such a weakened state allowed darkness to flood. And, in case you may not be aware, feeling broken beyond repair has a way of bringing one’s mood down. Like, really down!

Wishing these experiences of brokenness and darkness were unique only to me, but sadly, too many lovely souls know and understand such sorrow and pain. All too well. My heart aches for each and every beautiful being coping with illness, numbness… a darkened spirit.

[bctt tweet=”Grief has no time table. May we allow ourselves the space + grace to feel what we need to feel, however long we need to feel it. —tmm”]

There is no easy path to healing. Period. And like so many struggling with illness, loss, stress of daily life, I find myself floating about, wading through the unknowns, trying my best to keep darkness at bay.

Although my faith never falters, when weak and miserable and feeling so broken, I often fail to see beyond my struggles. Most assuredly, I am an imperfect being, stumbling my way through this complicated and glorious life. Reflecting upon and sharing the real… the raw… the vulnerable moments helps me grow. Perhaps offering a glimpse into my tiny space within our complex world will offer help to someone else, as well. This, I sincerely hope.

Through clouds of dismay and filters of gray, may faith, hope and love help light the way.

—tmm

Until my next Reflection…

Here’s to allowing ourselves to feel whatever we need to feel — however long we need to feel it — while moving beyond the darkness.

Blessings to you, lovelies — always.

Special prayers and love are with all who may be grieving unimaginable loss or fighting battles only they, themselves, truly understand. May God’s blessings and healing strength be with you. Always.

Should you ever find yourself overwhelmed by sadness, or experience suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

1-800-273-8255

Over here reflecting about life, illness + healing. Offering encouragement + empathy + support. Sharing smatterings of sarcasm + sass. Oozing with opinion. Speaking my truth. —tmm

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