Blog post,  Depression,  Encouragement,  Life

Life is Precious… and Complicated. Where’s My Decoder Ring?

December 6, 2018

Life. Is. A. Gift.

… and fragile… and precious… and at times, crazy complicated.

Let me begin by stating, I am a huge fan of life. Especially the most precious of moments. Complicated pieces-parts, the moments that make one question aspects within this amazing life… not my fave. I realize it’s an all-inclusive package deal, and yes, “that which does not kill us makes us stronger” (thank you Nietzsche). But, geesh… do you ever feel that all this “strength” is downright exhausting?

Strength does not come from a physical capacity alone, but from an indomitable will.

—Mahatma Gandhi

One could compare the varying levels and intensities of life’s complications to peeling back an onion. One by one, thin, delicate layers peeled away, only to expose even more intricate, perhaps pungent layering. As each layer is lifted, more often than not, watery eyes may follow. Might be tears of joy, gentle, empathetic drops, weeping accompanied with pain, or full-on, emotionally-powered, get-it-all-out… ugly cry.

Simple science: Onions are gonna make you cry! Unless you’re blessed with anti-crying, onion-blocking superpowers. In which case, I am in awe of your gift.

For the record (as if there’s a documented ledger of such dribble): I do not like onions. Never have. Never will. Especially with this super-duper, canine-shaming, industrial-strength, sensitivity-smeller parked in the middle of my face. It’s my superpower/curse. (try to hold back your envy!)

While not a fan of onions, real or metaphorical, let me re-emphasize… I dig me some life. Just not the slimy, smelly, onion-y layers.

Added flavor (with another “no one really cares” notation): extra kudos to all you green, red, yellow, vidalia loving peeps. You obviously/luckily do not have acid reflux or NSS — nasal sensitivity syndrome (it could be a real thing). Wonderful for you, sincerely. But pah-leeeaase, keep your onions away from my nostrils’ radar! (my nose and I thank you in advance)

Precious and Complicated Life — Post Stem Cells Style

In May 2018, I shared my ten months post stem cells treatment update. Shortly after that time, life during the summer months could have been summarized as: hold up inside, resting, cat snuggled upon my lap, followed by more resting — my Groundhog Day staycation.

Summer heat plus monsoon season in the desert is brutal for this chick. July and August — ugh! Nothing compared to the nasty heat + humidity of the Midwest and other parts of the country, so for this I am immensely thankful. But triple digit heat + monsoon storms is still icky.

Over the past several years (balancing treatments with ongoing health challenges), summer has become my adobe, cabin fever time of year. While the pool looks incredibly inviting, and all things summer are happening with most peeps, outdoors during the summertime tends to be a consistent “no go” for me.

Cooler temps and the drier air of fall are always a welcomed change (guessing most desert dwellers feel this way). A return to easier breathing, less pressure in my chest, and fewer roaming body aches is much appreciated. Thank you arid climate for these preferred blessings.

One of these spring-summer seasons, my hope for stronger, healthier days will come to fruition. I have envisioned lounging poolside with the hubs — cooling off after having played a lovely round of golf.

A gal can have her hopes!

Full disclosure: This particular ‘hope’ has been high on my bucket list for several years now. That and new sticks. Holding on to the thought of new golf clubs finding their way to me for my birthday one of these years (note/subtle hint for the hubs!).

Come on body, do your part. Momma needs, okay wants — nope, sticking with needs — a new set of clubs!

Onion-y Layers

Here’s where the pieces-parts of this illness + healing journey get a little more onion-y.

For quite some time, I’ve embraced a full-time commitment to “willing” myself to feel better… to be healthier… to be well. I go to bed at night/early morning thinking and praying about the smallest of things that I’m grateful for — planting positive seedlings for the next day. Upon waking each new day, I think maybe, just maybe, “could today be a day I feel strong enough to venture outside for some fresh air… to walk around my property to look at nature up close… maybe walk down the driveway to get the mail?” Most days, none of these simple outside adventures happen. Too weak. Too weary. Too unwell to move from my bed.

Being sick is hard. Trying to heal might just be harder!

Deep sigh…

In early September 2018 (13 months post stems cell treatment) I had begun to experience tangible improvements. Even drove my car — all by myself — for the first time in an incredibly long time. Well over a year. Maybe longer. Anywho, I was sooo encouraged. Feeling as though I could almost reach out and touch the stronger days I knew were ahead of me.

Positive upswing in the making. I was feelin’ a happy dance parrr-taaayyy about to get all up in here!

Then…

Unexpected onion-y layers had to go and ruin my groove.

Among other emotional issues and loss our family was coping with at the time, our beloved fur baby, Eddie-the-cat, was diagnosed with bone cancer of his little jaw. A few short weeks following this unsettling news, hubby and I had to say goodbye to our precious little guy.

15 years with our fur buddy. The last of our four, furry family members to pass over the rainbow bridge. Ugh!

Losing my mother-in-law, and then our Eddie shortly there after, seemed to compound the multitude of shhtuff falling under the ever-growing “coping” column. And that’s life. Things happen. Death happens. We deal, the best way we know how, and move forward. Sometimes, however, the accumulative effect becomes greater than what we are wired to handle.

That particular season escalated with a “no mas” warning bell sounding off .

Everything… life… was becoming… too… much.

I’ll share more in a future post. For now, as much as emotional stress is quite unwelcoming, even incapacitating to the majority of strong, healthy beings, it can be extremely depleting/ disabling/ defeating for someone fighting illness.

An avalanche of emotional trauma seemed to swallow me… whole.

Depression and I have been on a first name basis for decades. Manageable with therapy, medication, supplements, etc., with many necessary tweaks over the years. That darkened season was an entirely different, unwanted relationship.

So yes, friends, along with millions* of beautiful souls, I struggle with dark, depressive days. But here I am… here we are… present. Still fighting.

As with others trying to balance daily struggles, loss, grief… the pressures of emotional stress/trauma — potentially smothering avalanches — continue to hover. With faithful effort, I continue to find my way to calm, breathable space. Hallelujah!

Such a precious, fragile and complicated journey — this life. But what an awesome privilege and ultimate gift!

Still looking for my owner’s manual, however. Some days I’d settle for a compass.

Better yet, where’s my decoder ring?! (lol!)

Until my next Reflection…

May this current season of your life come without complicated, onion-y layers, and instead offer an abundance of joy, healing and precious moments — with no decoder ring needed!

Be well, lovelies.

Blessings and positive light — always!

—Terry xx

Please Ask for Help…

There are over 16 million adults suffering with depression within the US.* There are many circumstances that can lead to depressive episodes and symptoms. “Left untreated, depression can lead to serious health complications, including putting your life at risk. Fortunately, there are effective treatments for depression through options like therapy, medication, diet, and exercise.” —- Depression: Facts, Statistic, and You

If you or someone you know are struggling with depression, harmful or suicidal thoughts… please know you are not in this struggle alone. Please, I beg of you… seek help. Call or text a loved one, friend… 911… anyone!

Life may be complicated… but you are precious!

You are loved.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

1-800-273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Source: * https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/facts-statistics-infographic#1

Updated: February 2021

Over here reflecting about life, illness + healing. Offering encouragement + empathy + support. Sharing smatterings of sarcasm + sass. Oozing with opinion. Speaking my truth. —tmm

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